Life With My Retired Dad Episode #1

Today Daddy and I were chillin’ on the front porch. It’s our spot. Anyways, we’re sittin’ there and I see the Terminix truck pull up. I ask Dad, “We due for the Terminix guy?”
Dad says no. We watch then as the guy backs his truck up our neighbor’s driveway on the right and we don’t think anymore about it.

A couple of minutes go by and I look up and see halfway down our long ass front yard that there’s a fat white and gray cat walkin’ through. Y’all got to understand my Dad is highly allergic to cats so he basically HATES THEM. So me bein’ me, I egg the old man on. “Dad, there’s a cat in your yard.”

No lie, what he does next is what he does every time there’s a cat in our yard.

He starts yellin’, “Hey motherfucker, get out of my yard!”

This always cracks me up because let’s be real. He’s talkin’ to that cat like A) it understands, and B) it gives a shit.

WE ALL KNOW CATS DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

Anyways, he keeps yellin’ and cussin’ at the cat, who by the way wised up and realized he needed to get goin’ because my dad was obviously not a fan of Puss In Boots.

The cat gets almost all the way to the far right side of our front yard, a dozen feet or so from the poplar tree line we have that separates our yard from our neighbor’s yard, and I happen to look past the cat to see the Terminix guy standin’ in our neighbor’s driveway, with his head cocked to the side, confused as hell as to why my dad is yellin’ at him to get out of our yard.

Seriously guys, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. Somehow I managed to tell Dad the Terminix guy thought he was yellin’ at him and not the cat… and then of course my dad starts yellin’ at the bug guy.

“Not you man, the cat! I’m yellin’ at the cat!”

Terminix guy gives my Dad a thumbs up and I’m still dyin’ laughin’ in my chair. I told my dad, “I don’t know what’s funnier. The fact that he’s gonna go in our neighbor’s house and tell them that you called him a motherfucker or the fact that you almost got your ass whooped by the bug guy”.

By the way, the cat disappeared while I was laughing. He probably thought we humans were bat-shit crazy.

I hope you all enjoy this insight as to what my life is like on a daily basis.

I’m pretty sure I’m just gonna start sharin’ all my Dad stories so everyone can laugh with me. 😉

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